Worthy of Esav

Another heartbreaking entry from my Israel 2012 journal. The most heartbreaking part is I know that I wrote this in a desperate attempt to feel what I thought I ought to be feeling, not because I actually felt it. This is a trip to Me’aras Hamachpeila (Cave of the Patriarchs) in Chevron/Hebron, allegedly the burial site of Adam and Eve, Abraham and Sarah, Issac and Rebeccah, Jacob and Leah.

Friday July 13

We woke up at 4:30 and took the 5:00 bus to Kever Rochel and Chevron. I found it special to be davening Shacharis in the ohel of Avraham Avinu who was after all mesakein the tefila. I also cried more than a bit at the tzion of Leah, after what Rabbi Herczeg said about Leah not being perfect and crying because people saw her weak times and thought she could be worthy of Esav.

I had personally connected to the story about Leah being afraid that she was worthy of Esav, the wicked brother, because she was sometimes loud and flamboyant and not-so-modest. That people saw her at those times and thought she deserved this wicked man as her husband, even though she was actually just as righteous as her sister Rachel. And she cried about this so much that עיני לאה רכות.

I felt like I was Leah – I definitely didn’t want to marry an Esav. But I wasn’t so sure I wanted to marry a Yaakov either.

So I cried.

Image: Reciting psalms in front of the chamber leading to the burial site of Leah, sister of Rachel and wife of Jacob.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: